I Can't Believe I Did That

I'm sure there are a lot of people in the world who will think this is no biggie. I'm not one of them. I was raised to obey the rules, always. I got a doctor's order several months ago to have some blood tests. I had tests done a few months earlier and a few of the results were a little off. So, the doctor said I should have them run again. I finally decided to take care of that today. I was waiting my turn and looking at the tests on the order and I decided to add one more. I checked off the thyroid test. I'm sure that what I did is highly irregular and would probably make the doc pretty upset. The thing is, he probably won't even realize it. He will get a page of test results and if they are normal, will tell someone to put them in my file. If they are not normal, I guess I will get a phone call. It's my body. I should get to call the shots, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.

The Mentality of Scarcity

If you grew up in a home like mine, you know what is meant by scarcity. It is the belief that there isn't enough. I was raised in a working class neighborhood and attended parochial school. But, we didn't have enough money. I knew this from a very early age. We had a bit more as I got older, around 7th grade or so. As my father was promoted in his job, his income increased a bit. The trade-off was his frustration with rising in the ranks but getting farther and farther away from what he really liked to do. My mother stayed home and raised 4 kids, essentially alone. My father worked different shifts each month and we had what most families consider a normal daily existence only every third month, when he worked the day shift. I remember being hungry a lot. In photos from my childhood, by brother and I had big bellies and skinny little arms and legs. Starving kids look like that. I remember having holes in my shoes. Fortunately, we wore uniforms to school, so fashion wasn't a factor growing up. I guess it isn't any wonder, I have issues with eating. I finally trained myself to leave food on my plate. That took years. But, food is comfort for me and I hold little hope of changing that about myself. People say that money can't buy happiness and I think that's true. But, if you are happy except for the fact that you don't have enough money, it can certainly change things for the better. People who grow up like I did, never really know how to make money. Our father had no idea about investing or such things. There was never any money to invest. After paying the bills and buying food, there was nothing left. Everything I've learned about money, I learned after age 30. Right now, I am living in a time of scarcity in my life. I have just enough money to get by, but everything is colored by the lack of anything extra. People who live like this don't behave the way they would if they did have more than they needed. We tend to worry about an unplanned expense derailing the delicate fiscal balance. We go over our bills again and again, making sure we plan to pay bills before they are due. Recently, I have begun trying to change my thought processes. I stop myself from getting too bogged down and try to name all of the things that are good in my life. I really do appreciate everything I have. I don't want to forget that right now I have everything I need to survive. I am trying to live more in the moment.

Net World

I have been involved with an internet bulletin board for over a year. Most of the people I have met there are intelligent people who possess an appreciation for offbeat humor. I like that. Some of the people on the board should be institutionalized. I'm not kidding. Then there are the wannabe authors who take the opportunity to write volumes of what they perceive to be their brilliant insights on a website dedicated to a television show. Please, get a blog, people. I resent being subjected to your particular brand of blather. I have had people tell me that they think I am this or that and I am astonished that someone who has never met me would be so bold as to offer up a personality appraisal on a public bulletin board. Then there are the creeps. You know them in your real life as the office whackjob or neighborhood weirdo. When I reach my tolerance level for them, I put them on ignore, which is a very nice feature that I wish translated to real life. Cause there are people I would definitely put on ignore. Boy, would I. Internet world is not real world and you need to always remind yourself that on a bb everyone is putting forth what they want the world to see and nothing more. In fact, some folks actually reinvent themselves for the internet. So, a word of caution, don't believe everything you read.

Stay put

I think I have decided to suspend my house hunting activities for now. My heart just ain't in it. I don't want to move to a smaller space right now. I also don't want to be house poor. I like having a little extra money, which I do for once. If I buy a more expensive place than I had originally planned on, I will be stretching my finances to the limit. Also, I have had a lot of problems with my car lately. It has been a great car for 6 years and now I have one problem after another. So, I am thinking about getting a new car. I hate to do that, though. I like new cars, but not new payments.

Money, again.

I always get money when I need it most. I think that is my grandmother watching over me. She was the best person I ever knew. She was always kind and she never spoke ill of anyone. She would have done anything for her grandchildren. So, when I am at a new low, somehow I always get money when I least expect it and really need it. One time, when I was between jobs and my children were small, I got a phone call from a survey company at the local mall. They wanted to know if I would come in and do a survey for them and earn $25.00. Of course I said "Yes!" and went to the mall. It was a survey about dishes. Okey dokey. Got my money. This has happened all through my life. So, I don't know why I worry so much. I've always managed to pay the bills and feed my kids. I worry as if I don't know how to survive, when I do know how to survive.

Money is the root of all evil.

Not really. Money makes the world go around. Money gives one options. That is the true value of money. Options. Without money, your life is a series of decisions based on need and limits. People who have always had money have no clue what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck. This makes them out of touch with a very large percentage of the population. There are degrees of wealth and there are degrees of poverty. When I think about how my choices are affected by my limited cash flow, I dream of having more money than anyone really needs. My whole life would be turned upside down. I want to believe that I would be responsible. I want to believe that money wouldn't change who I am. I have no idea, really. What money would do is give me options. That's what I want. I want to decide between this road and that one based on desire and not based on what I can afford.

Is this what it's like to have

a nervous breakdown? I feel exhausted and sad. I am stressed. I am worried about everything and I feel like I have only a very tenuous hold on life. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever. The thing that keeps me here is my love for my kids. If not for them, I would be gone from here.