Deeper

I realize that I could go either way right now. I could walk away and never speak to Jim again , or I could get in so deep that I would get on a plane and go to him. I have never even see him in person yet. It doesn't matter. Something about him has gotten to me. And I know that whatever it is, it's probably the exact thing I should run from. I don't like him, that much. I'm attracted to him like crazy, though. I'm fucked.

I May Have Lost It

I may have lost my mind. I made a gesture tonight to Jimmy. He posted something that indicated he had a really lousy day. I commiserated. He emailed me. And we started talking almost like nothing had happened. Well, nothing really did, except I got very confused and stuff. Anyway, my heart started to beat faster when I saw his email. Oh fuck. I am in serious trouble. I don't know what the hell he is talking about half the time, but there is something about this guy that I can't shake. I want to hold him. I want to be with him, in the biblical sense. How weird is that. We have never seen each other, except in photos. Which, by the way, he always wears shades so I have never seen his eyes. I mean, how can you feel something for a guy whose eyes you have never gazed into? Don't look at me! I don't know.

I hate when I'm naive.

I don't know what to think now about this guy I met in the chatroom. I thought he was a really nice guy, funny and intelligent. He seemed like a gentleman. Then I sent him a message on myspace, which he didn't acknowledge. I sent him a bulletin about a new band, which he also failed to acknowledge. Then I posted something on the board, he posted a bizarre symbol. I asked him what he meant, twice. He never answered. So, I sent him an email asking basically what the fuck?which he didn't answer, and then I sent him a "boy did I have you wrong. good-bye." Then he answers. All innocent like. I'm sorry. I am really busy working and don't have a lot of time to post right now. O.K. How do you explain your behavior when you do find time to post? I hate being stupid.

My cyber beau?

So, I meet a guy in a chatroom. We talk and laugh. We like each other. We have many of the same values and we disagree about some things too. Just like real life relationships, right? The thing is, I can't see his face. I've seen a picture of him, but I mean, I can't see him when I am talking to him in cyberspace. I wonder if I am missing anything. We spoke on the telephone and I had pretty much the same feeling about him as when we chatted online. The last few days, he doesn't seem to be his usual outgoing, gregarious self. That has me wondering why. But, I'm not really in his life, so I don't really feel like I should ask too many questions about this. How odd is this? Sometimes, I could imagine getting a lot more involved with him. Meeting him in person and that type of thing. Other times, I feel like this is an imaginary relationship that is not meant to cross over into real life.